MissOatesontheboil: Tribute

Gosh it has been awhile since my last post, and a lot has happened since then!

As most of you know (because I am sure it is only my family and friends who read this blog), my younger brother (step brother) Ari was tragically killed in a mountaineering accident two days after I finished placement, a week after my last blog post. So understandably blogging and even uni haven't been my top priorities. Right the way through my degree I have said there was only one thing more important than study and that is family.

I spent two weeks grieving and healing (?) with my family in Golden Bay and by supporting each other and with the support of family, friends and an amazing community we had a beautiful farewell for a beautiful, bright, funny, adventurous, red headed boy. He will always be a boy to me, coming into my life when he was only 3 and leaving it far too young at 21.

This is the first time I have put my thoughts to 'paper' since straight after hearing the news that no one ever wants to hear, the news that is everyone's worst nightmare. Thinking of him and looking at his picture above my desk is bringing it all back; the fact that I will never see him again, and I am unbearably sad about that fact.

BUT he died doing what he loved and he wouldn't want unbearable sadness to be his legacy, I have decided that I need to live more, live larger, do more, see more, love more and these things are the silver lining to such a horrible tragedy.

So Ari, my brother, I will love you forever and I will think of you everyday for the rest of my life, but now I am going to live a life that hopefully you would be proud of. I wish I could share my adventure tales with you and hear yours but poor old Shaye is going to have to listen to me waffle on now, and I will be there for her as you always were, you were her hero, I hope you knew that.

I am proud to call you family and so privileged to have known you.

I wrote the following after I was told Ari had died, as I needed something to occupy my mind, I had originally intended to share it at his memorial service, but there were so many people with wonderful stories to share, stories that made us laugh as much as they made us cry.

Little boy how can you be gone?

I met you first when you were a bright red headed wee man running around in your undies… I should add that you were 3. Although I am sure that there have been more undie antics since then...

I haven’t seen you enough in recent years to really say that I know you, but you are still my brother, from another mother… and father.

I just wrote were still my brother, but it is are, it will always be are.

When explaining my or rather our crazy family to people I always simply say that you and Dan are my brothers, that step bit is just a pain and the brothers bit is the important part. Family is the important part, it’s just a shame that it takes something like this to make you realise that.

People will say at least he died doing something he loved, and while that is true it doesn't make it fair. I can only hope that wherever you are, Frank is there also. And Kirsty. Dan and Shaye I think I better wrap you up in cotton wool and lock you away safe in a tower somewhere.

Ari means lion, and it is so appropriate for you, you fiery red head. But also your passion and bravery in life.

I saw you just before you went away and you said, see ya when I get back. I wish I could. I didn't get a chance to see you, to hear about your adventures, to tell you I loved you. I don’t think I've ever told you that. Its just not something you say when you are 16 to your 10 year old brother. I wish I said it, I hope you know. I was so proud of you. I bragged to all my friends about you, even though I though you were insane, I mean who climbs mountains for fun?!

I am sitting here in the sun and I just can’t process this, how can you be gone. This sort of thing happens to other people,

When I saw that I had a missed call from your mum, all those worst scenarios ran through my head. This wasn't one of them, and I had even seen the article on stuff about a mountaineer being killed on Mount Aspiring.

Its been three weeks now and I still cry, all the time. Over the silliest things. I am so angry, not at you, but at the universe, for how is it fair that you are gone? My (future) kids will never get to know their uncle Ari, I will never get to see you get married, never again can you and I mock Dads lame jokes, thank goodness I still have Shaye to do that with.

I feel like I should move on, I know that you wouldn't want any one wallowing in misery but I am so sad. I want you back, not so much for me but because I cant imagine a world without you in it. There are so many people who are hurting.

Your Mum has found peace in a dream she had and in her faith in God and I am so happy for her that she has come to terms with it all, she has found her “good” in goodbye.

In the words of Winnie the Pooh “If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.” And you will.